Avoiding the Escalation Trap

Child - ‘Mum, can I please have a drink?’ 

Mother - (busy preparing for the child’s birthday party)  ‘Sure, I’ll get you one in just a minute when I finish what I am doing.’

A few minutes later…. 

Child – (excited about the birthday and party) ‘Mum, can I please have a drink?’

Mother – (still busy preparing for the child’s birthday party) ‘Yes darling, I’ll get you one in a minute.’

A few minutes later…..

Child – (Even more excited! It’s almost time for the guests to arrive!) ‘Mum, can I get my drink now?’

Mother - (still busy preparing for the child’s birthday party) – ‘Yes, just a second.’

A few minutes later…..

Child – (yelling and stamping feet) ‘Muuuummmmm, get me my drink NOW!!’

Mother – (startled and irritated) ‘I beg your pardon!?! (gets the child a drink).

A scenario that plays out all too regularly. Us parents can get so caught up in our to do list that we don’t notice the very behaviours that we want to see and inadvertently reinforce the very behaviours that bother us. 

It’s very likely this child would get into trouble for having a tantrum and being disrespectful despite having asked very calmly and respectfully multiple times prior. By getting the drink following an escalation, the message that is reinforced for the child is that I need to intensify to be heard and attended to, even if the response is perceived as negative.

So how do we protect ourselves from falling into this trap? How do we reinforce the behaviours that we want to see more often? 

1.     Practice mindfulness skills regularly – the more skilful we become in mindfulness, the more present we are in any given moment. Observe through your senses both inside and outside of yourself. Presence increases awareness. We notice things earlier, giving us the opportunity to respond rather than react.

‘I can see how excited you are! It’s thirsty work isn’t it! When I finish setting up all these tables I will help you pour a drink. How about you pass the paper plates to me while you wait?’

2.     Praise the behaviours that you want to see frequently – every time you notice your child doing something you like, let them know. Be explicit in what you are praising them for.

‘I am so proud of you for using those lovely manners when you asked for your drink.’

‘Thank you for waiting so patiently. I know that can be hard when you are so excited!"‘

 ‘Hey, I really like the way you just put your dishes away without me having to ask you!’

 ‘I love that you persevered with your homework today even though you were finding it challenging.’ 

‘Thank you for sharing with your sister, it was very kind of you.’

3.     Connect with your child on an emotional level when things aren’t going so well, rather than jumping to behaviour management. ‘Wow, you look pretty frustrated right now. You were asking so nicely and waiting so patiently for a drink. It must feel like I’ve taken a long time setting up the tables.’

4.     Repair ruptures. We do this when we validate, and problem solve together. We want our children to know that all feelings are accepted, however not all behaviours will be. After validating the child’s experience, now is the time to problem solve or set limits.

Mother -  (Gets down to childs level) ‘Now, how about we try that again, I know you’re excited about your party and you’ve been waiting for your drink for a while now. It’s not ok to yell at me though. I’m listening now, let’s hear those beautiful manners of yours again..’

Child – ‘Mum, can I please have a drink?’

Mother – ‘Sure, let’s get you one, everyone will be here any minute now!’ (Reaches for childs hand as they go and pour a drink together).