Lean On Me

I still vividly remember the smell of my first-born babies’ skin, his hair, and his breath as we got to know each other in those very early days. I remember the excitement I felt at the prospect of waking up each morning and getting to spend the day together. I remember sitting on the couch feeding him as we gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes, how he would hold my finger in his tiny hand. The OXYTOCIN was pumping! 

Fast forward to the following year and our morning routine consisted of feeding my now toddler AND my second born AND my third born. Nobody had told me that your chance of having a multiple birth drastically increases as you age! 

In less than two years, I had three babies, all of whom I loved unconditionally and felt so incredibly blessed to have AND at the same time, the exhaustion was incomparable to anything I could have imagined. 

I don’t have the same memories with my twins as I do with my first born. In fact, the first few years are an entire blur! And those magical days that my first born and I spent together, enjoying each other’s touch seemed like a lifetime ago. It wasn’t just my life that changed, it was his too. He didn’t get the same responses from me anymore; he didn’t get my time the way he previously had and the goo’s and gah’s had turned into snappy overwhelm. 

While I struggled with mother guilt, I also knew that I was doing the best I could. I felt incredibly blessed that my career was taking me in a direction where I had the opportunity to learn and study how the interactions between parents and infants shaped developing neural pathways and attachment styles.

Over and over again the fundamental need for a secure base presented itself.

A base that supports the need for exploration and play.

A base that supports the need for comfort and protection.  

As we watch over and delight in our little ones, as we respond with care and validation of each individual experience, as we set boundaries and expectations, they learn they are safe and secure in this world. 

They learn that they can be brave and try new things, knowing that if something goes wrong there will be someone who they can lean on. They learn that if they feel unsure, they can reach back to their secure base and there will be someone who will help and encourage them. They learn that when they feel proud of themselves, there are others that feel proud of them too. They feel connected.

Children who develop a positive CONNECTION with a significant caregiver are more equipped to regulate their emotions, develop healthy relationships, have better impulse control and do better at school.

Now, fast forward THIRTEEN years – I am sure I just blinked and had somehow transported here – and those morning snuggles on the lounge are long gone. But I know his need for a SECURE base is as strong as ever.

These days we take the paddle board out, I paddle, he fishes for squid. We sit back to back, leaning on each other, quietly waiting for the squid to bite. Feeling his back against mine is just like that tiny hand holding my finger. We float around and I drink in every moment.

Emma Lightfoot

Psychologist